I used to want Sex !
I used to enjoy sex.
Why have things changed?
No matter what he does, no matter what he says my response is always the same, NO !
I know it’s not fair on him. I know that this is hurting him. I can see it in his eyes, I can feel it when he looks at me.
It’s not like I want him to stop wanting me but how can I say Yes when what I really mean is No?
You quickly withdraw your gaze.
You can’t even pretend you didn’t see your partner looking at you as you walk past.
Wanting something more from you.
You think to yourself Really?
I’ve only had two minutes to myself. Not even enough time to catch my breath, make a coffee or sit down and already you want something from me.
What are you thinking?
Are you thinking?
You finally collapse onto the couch.
You don’t look up, you try to look busy.
Shit you don’t know what to do now.
All you know is that you can’t say yes to SEX.
You have nothing left. Nothing…
Do you find yourself getting angry with your partner for making you think this way, for making you behave this way?
When you’re not as exhausted, you understand where your partner is coming from and what they desire. But when you’re not in the mood and not wanting to connect that way, do you think to yourself Why can’t I just have a few minutes to myself? Two minutes that are all about me.
Do you then try to remember the last time you had sex?
- How long has it actually been?
- What’s your partner’s mood been like today?
- What’s happening tomorrow?
- Can you get away with avoiding them today?
You know that they know that you are avoiding them and you pray that they doesn’t start up another conversation about sex.
Then suddenly, a list of all the things that your partner has done or has not done come flooding back to you, aggravating you further.
You know, the dirty clothes, taking the bin out list. This in turn creates more distance and more resistance towards having sex.
Chatting away. Watching TV. Chatting. On Facebook. Watching TV. Playing Candy Crush. Watching TV… The evening is starting to feel much better. Your head has quieted down. You’re feeling heaps better. You can start breathing again. You feel yourself finally starting to relax. Phew.
There were no major moves, no groping, no sarcastic comments. Wow what a great night it’s turning into. Then the inner turmoil starts up again.
Shit. He’s ready for bed !!
Your inner peace is in turmoil, the dread of dealing with all of this again is awakened.
Your thoughts start spirally out of control – again.
Is he really planning to make his move now that I’m all relaxed?
You quickly scan yourself.
Has anything changed within me?
Do I want sex? Could I have sex?
Ummm Shit, I don’t know. What had I worked out before? How long has IT been? Ummmmmm Brain think, think. Should I go to bed with him? Am I meant to go to bed with him? Should I sneak in first and act disinterested? What’s he expecting? What should I do?
Total emotional meltdown avoided. He kisses the back of my neck goodnight. You feel yourself stiffen up. He lingers, pausing to see if you’ll lean into him. It feels like forever.
Man you feel like such a bitch. You don’t want to hurt him. But right now you don’t want sex.
It feels as if your body doesn’t even remember what sex is or what desiring sex feels like.
You can’t seem to find one ounce of desire or energy to even roll towards him, to lean back into him. This is so hard. Why is this so hard. Eventually you stop being pissed off with him. Eventually you stop being pissed off with yourself.
He rolls away. He sighs. You know that you have hurt him… again.
You know that he feels rejected again.
You avoid thinking that this will probably happen again tomorrow night.
No wonder you’re exhausted. And then you feel your body finally let go. Your shoulders relax, your neck relaxes, you can feel your body melt into the pillow, into the bed.
You can relax now. This day is finally over.